The dairy of a Ranch dog

Editors note:

This is the thrilling story about the life of a Ranch dog named Hank from an Ol' Barn.

The story also contains some shall we say...exciting moments.

So I ask that those of you who have any phobias, to use caution.

Okay then! Start the story drums!

Chapter one: 

It was a early morning on the day of...whenever it was. It was a day we can be sure of that, and it happened.

I yawned, stretched, and looked over at my fellow hound. 

"Wake up Drover! It's a new day! And you know what that means..." you might have expected him to spring up alert and ready for the day. He twitched and started running in place on his bed of hay. And since he wasn't upright he wasn't going anywhere! 

I had to go to teeth daggers and lip shields to growl him out of bed. "Wha-?! Oh! I'm awake, I'm awake! Don't growl at me in the morning I can't stand the strain!" 

"Drover, wake up! It's a new day! There are important duties to do!" 

Suddenly I heard the sound of the door slamming. Do you understand the importance of this sound?

Maybe not, let me explain. You see when the door slams it means that the owner has come out with scraps! 

These scraps can consist of...burned toast, corncobs, bits of bacon, and my favorite...bits of juicy steak!

I raced down the hill as new meaning flooded into my life, I suddenly stopped short as I saw a horrible sight.

It was...the cat, the cat had beat me to my scraps! Have we discussed the particular cat we live with?

Probably not since you've never read about me before. Drover suddenly appeared beside me, "Hey Hank! What's going on?" I turned to him with a cold glare, "Why are you so chirpy?" 

He beamed me a goofy smile and said, "I don't know, but I'm not a bird," 

"What do you mean by bird?" "Well I mean ostriches, ducks or chickens. Those are all birds aren't they?"

"Sigh, when I say chirpy I mean why are you so happy?" "Oh, I thought you were talking about birds,"

"I was not talking about birds! For your information the cat has beat us to scraps!"

Suddenly the cat appeared smirking, "Mmmmmm hi Hank, out for a little stroll around the yard gate?"

"Zip it Pete," I was just about to Hamburgerize him when...oops.

Chapter two:


It was Sally May! And she was staring at me, she has this creepy way of...finding naughty thoughts.
Not that I had any! But it felt weird as she walked into the private rooms of my mind, opening all the drawers...looking under the bed, peering into every nook and nanny, cranny I mean.
After she had stopped frisking me with her eyes she turned to the cat. She scrapped my juicy fatty steak scraps onto the ground. I moved over to them and was just about to gobble the steak scraps down when...
...WHACK! She had hit me across the nose with her spoon! "Don't you dare Hank Mc nasty! These scraps are for dear little Pete who was here first!" "But! I-" "I'll feed you over here so you won't fight!"
She moved over to the other side of the yard, quite a distance from the cat in other words.
She scrapped the scrapes, she scrapped the scraps let us say. And two pieces of burned toast fell to the ground.
I looked up at her and gave her a sincere look as if to say, "That's all!?"
She parked her hands on her waist and said, "If you can chew bones you can chew toast!"
Then she went back into the house and slammed the door with a loud Thwump!
As soon as she entered the house I looked around to make sure no one was watching. No one was.
I started edging myself towards the side of the yard fence with Pete next to it.
I could hear him smacking and gorging on steak scraps that would make him fat and ugly! Fatter and uglier I mean. I pushed him out of the way, and he let out a loud yowl, "Move out of the way kitty! I'm claiming these steak scraps for evidence!" if looks could hurt we would have been seriously wounded, "But Hanky-"
I woofed down the steak scraps and went back to my side of the yard gate. "Those steak scraps look so good, can I have some?" It was Drover of course, "Why not?" I let a steak scrap fall from my jowls.
We went back to the barn and I flopped down on my bed of hay. My eyes began to drift closed and I felt myself...floating away on a boat into the great lake of...dreaming, I suppose.

Chapter three:


I was twitching and dreamin wonderful dreams, when all of a sudden...I heard a strange voice! 
Here is a direct quote it said..."And the chicken parade will begin!" have we ever talked about chickens before?
Well...chickens are a...shall we say, touchy subject for a ranch dog, SLURP. Wait hold it! Dismiss that slurp at the end, in fact I never said anything about the so forth! Right? You never heard me say anything about the...blank...the Slurpens. Chickens I should say, you know I'm really regretting ever mentioning the...blanks.
Suddenly the strange voice called again! "Chickens...all you see are chickens...it really is the dickens when the mind plays clever tricks! Projecting colored pictures of a bird upon a plate..."
I covered my ears with my paws! No, no! I couldn't be tempted!
Suddenly I uncovered my ears and realized, I needed a chicken.
I got off my bed off hay and crept off into the night like a panther, I knew it was crazy. I knew that there were...some risks involved. The biggest of them being Sally May. But she didn't need to know, Hehehe.
All I had to do was...hide the feathers and no one would ever know! Hehehe.
The chicken house loomed in the distance, I surveyed the door. It was a simple latch door, all I had to do was push the latch with a paw or nose. And the door would swing open and I could...well do my business.
I was creeping closer and closer to the door when a voice froze me in my tracks! "Mmmm Hanky! What are you doing?" I turned around and stared at the cat. All the breath hissed from my lungs.
"You again?" "Yes it's me!" said the cat as he sharpened his claws on the tree.
"Well your a solid witness kitty, enjoy the show!" I pointed my nose at the door like a rocket and was just about to launch when..."I can help!" I turned to face the cat again.
"You can help? Sorry to sound cruel cat, but you've pulled to many sneaky tricks on me in the past,"
The cat then...well he put his paw on his heart. And looked up at the sky, "Yes Hanky, and I regret them now. After all, what kind of cat would take advantage of a dog. At a time like this?"